I love lawyers and diplomats. I love diplomats because they’re lovable and lawyers because they’re different.

“American lawyers I have known see the law as something that is set apart from real life; that is, somehow, more perfect. Lawyers in their own eyes are endowed with unique ways of thinking not privy to ordinary men. Richard Nixon, when he was Vice President, was heard to say, ‘Yes, I can deal with him, he is a lawyer too.’ ”

—American anthropologist Edward T. Hall in 1976

I grew up with the strong belief that any decent person can only become one of two things: a lawyer or a doctor. Actually, they can be a judge or a doctor, as judges apparently have more prestige of some sort. It’s all Japanese to me, anyway. And if by some unfortunate lack of drive or intellect a person couldn’t become one of the above choices, they should have the self-respect to marry one. After all, Europe’s still a very old continent with clearly defined beliefs that span thousands of years.

Back in the old continent the supreme ideal is to be both an aristocrat of some sort, and have a degree in either law or medicine.

Sarcasm and irony apart, the truth of the matter is, everybody should have a lawyer and a doctor in their lives. Actually with WebMD and other such sites, you can do very well without knowing a doctor at all. Go online, get yourself diagnosed, self-medicate, make a will (you’ll need a lawyer for that), then expect to die of some abnormal type of disease you convinced yourself you had after reading the long list of symptoms. 

With legal stuff things are different. You see, lawyers, judges and prosecutors are actually trained to think in a certain way. Poor creatures! God made them perfect and then they go off to law school. A few years later they come out rigid, uncreative, scared, conservative, mysterious, cautious and totally aware that everything can’t be done.

On the other hand, with some unfortunate exceptions, we have lawyers in all types of industries and fields, don’t we? They’re very well-organized, can stay focused for long periods of time, are void of emotion, and are known for being logical and level-headed. The only time they’re not logical human beings is when they’re love though. Lawyers in love are totally disarmed. They make bad choices and poor decisions, you see, because law and love contradict each other. Law teaches you how to think logically and love—that’s for us—the plebeians and writers to deal with.

To be totally honest with you, I think lawyers should only date and marry amongst each other. They truly belong together. And in an ideal world one partner isn’t any more successful than the other one. At the very least (aka in reality) they should practice different types of law. Just saying…

To take it up a notch, stay away from judges. My personal experience aside, you’re better off not interacting with them. After all, you don’t want to be presumed a criminal just because you didn’t go to law school, nor do you want to live your life being sentenced to death every time you exhibit behavior out of the funeralish or the rigid ideas of misinterpreted conservationism.

Seriously, judges are so fair and their decisions are so final, you might not want to mess with them at all. Think about it this way: you’re a fashion aware person and wear the newest shade of bright red lipstick, paired with the famous red-soled shoes. While you’ll get tons of compliments and be admired for your style and elegance of carrying it all by some, a judge will be convinced you’re covered in blood after a premeditated murder, in which you’ve killed at least one person.  Blood on the shoes, blood on the lips, hmmm, even your red nail polish is proof of an overkill.

I’m blessed to have a lot of lawyers and judges in my life. I work directly with some of them, and I’m so grateful for their ability to combine my creativity with their logic. And then some of them are my family members. I’m always in the wrong with them. But most of the lawyers and judges I know are my friends.  They hardly understand people like me. They also don’t have the chameleonic ability of relying on emotions, nor do they let their guard down, so they’re desperately searching for logical proof in everything according to the letter of the law. It’s part of their limited vision of the ‘others.’ It’s their Procruste’s bed that also functions as their most tragic trait.

But I’ll tell you what, whenever you need to come to your senses, or a piece of advice when you’re in a troubling emotional situation, if you need to know if a fender bender results in capital punishment, or need someone who’s trained to keep a secret, then by all means, don’t talk to a writer. Go to a lawyer, or a judge. And realize they’re human too, that’s why they also need to reach out to other sensitive and intuitive people. Sometimes their souls need soothing, too.

Obey the law, but for God’s sake, remember you aren’t actually GOD!

All my love to all the lawyers in my life,

Washington, D.C.